Thursday, 27 September 2012

Lying Eyes

I don't really know how to start this blog post as it's been so long since I've written anything here or even felt like I've wanted to write.  I'm finally back but I'd be lying if I said I was better than ever.  I always wanted this blog to be something that I enjoyed doing and was passionate about and when I stopped loving it I decided to stop writing.  I never wanted to blog just for the sake of it or so people would like me, I wanted to do it because it was for me.

This past year and a half has been one of the toughest times I've ever gone through and I've struggled with a lot.  I lost my Nana and Granda within just over a year of each other and although when both passed away I tried not to let it get to me it affected me in my own way.  Most of my family openly cried and mourned for both of them but I didn't, I tried to act like I was stronger than that and it didn't bother me.  'They were old and it was their time to go' I kept telling myself, 'we weren't as close as we used to be', but when I really think about them I think about how much I miss them.  I regret not spending more time with them as they got sick but I just didn't want to be around that.  Looking back at old photos and memories of them I realise how truly special they were and how important of a role they played in my life.  I have so many ridiculous jokes from Granda and little sayings from Nana.  I really just hope they understood how much they meant to me and how much the memories will always mean to me.

Another thing I went through was dropping out of college (which I mentioned in a previous post), it was a really tough decision to make and still I wonder was it the right one.  I know that if I had have stayed in the course I could have come out with a degree in the end but I also would have made myself even more miserable than I already was.  I had so many friends in college and enjoyed being involved in the Students Union but they were not reasons for me to stay in a course that I hated so much.  After dropping out of college I started a full time makeup course pretty much straight away so it was very difficult adjusting to a new way of life, new people and a new way of learning.  I have always been passionate about makeup and still remember some of the crazy kiddies makeup my parents bought me when I was younger.  I had a set from Argos and my sister Lesley and I would always play with it, making ourselves look like drag queens.  One of the worst mistakes we ever made was blue mascara!!  I was lucky enough to have a big sister who helped me grow up and discover all the girly things that I love so much now.

After finishing the makeup course I recieved an ITEC Fashion, Theatre and Media Makeup Diploma.  I thought it would be so easy to go out and find a job but I had no confidence in myself or my work.  I knew that I was good at what I did but I didn't know if other people would think the same thing so I didn't go out looking for a job.  I work in a milkshake shop at the moment and don't get me wrong, it is great to have a job and be able to fend for myself but I thought that I'd be working in something that I was qualified in.  Eventually I started looking for jobs on makeup counters and in salons but the answer was always 'no'.  This knocked my confidence even more and now when people ask me what I'm doing with myself I feel ashamed to tell them.  I now realise I should NOT feel ashamed, I have a job and I'm still looking for a new one and that is all that matters.  I have to boost my confidence and believe in myself just like I know my parents and sister do.

I'm glad to have gotten all that off my chest and now the only thing to do is look up and be confident.  Easier said than done but I'm going to work my little ass off now and get a new job and be the happy person I want to be.



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